Sunday, 31 December 2006 12:52
Music: Placebo - Meds
The past 2 days when I have been lying in bed in my failing attempts at sleep my mind wondered onto the subject of suicide. I have had suicidal thoughts before where I would slit my wrists and bleed out but these thoughts of death were about what would happen to my friends and family. These newer thought have not been like that. The traditional suicide with a rope around the neck hanging from the rafters, or the crane at the construction site in town. I have not been thinking about how this would affect the people around me as much as before but more about why I would kill myself. My mind was dwelling on all the things I hate about myself and the shit that is known as sociality. I and listening to Drag at the moment and some of the lyrics seem to be hitting home. "I drag behind". Feelings of being a fuck that doesn't have a purpose in life but holds the rights to end his own whenever he fucking well feels like it.
I was talking to Keaton about depression a while ago and I decided that if I feel depressed, really depressed that I couldn't see the point of waking up and taking shit that I would go and see a doctor about it instead of letting the depression engulf me and end my life. It's better to be on meds that make you smile and dead. I think this is the reason I have been reading books and watching films as my mind leaves this world and focuses on the world that is within the pages or the frames of a film. I think that part of my down mood is the thought of school in 2 days time and exams in 12. There was a mock exam that I had no idea how to do so I left the classroom and went home to sulk as the paper with questions on made me feel unless and like I had learnt nothing that at all in lesson. I think that I am going to sacrifice that exam so that the rest my flourish. I Should bee feeling depressed as I look set to boost my grades but never the less I have still been thinking about suicide in my sleepless nights rest. Who knows, maybe someday I will commit suicide. I can not predict the future but merely say what I hope for.